Drunk Since I Left

INT. BAR– NIGHT.

Two men in their mid-forties, Robert and Dev, are clearly sloshed and singing “Home For A Rest” on the small stage at the back of the karaoke bar. There is no live band behind them, only an instrumental accompaniment and two microphones. The bar is busy but most of the audience are talking amongst themselves whilst the two men are having the time of their lives.

In the meantime, two middle aged women, Denise and Holly, enter the bar with the hopefulness and nervousness that only comes after spending the past four hundred Saturday nights couped up at home with the kids.

Denise happily scans the bar, while in a panic, Holly is searching for a spot to sit.

DENISE

Oh my, my, my.

HOLLY

(ignoring Denise)

We should try and grab one of the tables over there.

DENISE

Halls, do you see the eye candy in here?

(beat)

All the good looking men, do you think I could pass for 25? Fresh out of college?

HOLLY

(laughs)

Let’s get a drink before we discuss that.

Holly grabs Denise’s arm and walks her to a nearby table.

HOLLY

Well, c’mon now.

Holly and Denise sit down at the table. Holly opens the drink menu.

DENISE

I guess we won’t be needing this tonight!

Denise aggressively pulls off Holly’s wedding ring as it goes flying and lands towards the back of the bar.

HOLLY

You really did not just do that–

DENISE

MAMA IS COMING OUT TONIGHT!

(beat)

Oh, shoot.

HOLLY

Look I know we both haven’t been out in some time, but don’t you think that was a little extreme?

(pause)

You need to bring back that ring. I cannot lose my wedding ring Denise!

Denise slips under the table and gets on all fours on the floor.

HOLLY

(gets out of her chair)

Oh firetruck, this is why we never go out together. Or go out. Period.

Holly gets on the ground with Denise.

HOLLY

This is great. The first time in eight months I go to stay up past nine, have a little fun, do a little dance–

DENISE

(disco move)

Get down tonight.

HOLLY

(sighs in disappointment)

What is Bill going to think when I come home without my wedding ring!?

DENISE

Blame it all on me. I am sure Bill will understand.

Holly and Denise are still crawling along the floor. Holly is desperately leading while Denise is crawling behind.

HOLLY

No, Bill will notice immediately. He will say something passive aggressive like,

(mocking Bill’s voice in a lowered voice)

“I see you didn’t want to be tied down for the night”

and he’ll be joking, but make comments about it until Christmas.

DENISE

We’ll find the ring I am sure.

HOLLY

And then, when you think he’s built a bridge and gotten over it, he will bring it up over turkey,

(mocking Bill’s voice)

“Hall, don’t accidentally lose it in the cranberry sauce! Or was that your plan because Joe is sitting beside you?”

DENISE

Joe? As in, Bill’s brother?

HOLLY

AND, that is just with him thinking I didn’t wear it. What if this ring is gone for good? To Bill, that’s the same as our entire fifteen years of marriage being lost!

(mocking Bill’s voice)

“The day I got you that ring I had been putting aside twenty dollars a day for eight months.”

Someone walks into Denise.

DENISE

Uh, watch it? Down here buddy!

HOLLY

(ignoring Denise)

“It was a sunny day and I walked into this old boutique, all the signs pointed to you. Everything seemed to click and that is when I knew, I had to propose right there and then.”

DENISE

That is such a nice story Hall…

HOLLY

Shut up. We need to find this.

Jumpcut to Robert and Dev still singing on stage. Still sloshed.

DEV

YOU’LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME

ROBERT

I’M NOT AT MY BEST

DEV

(talking over song)

Do… do you think we should stop?

ROBERT

(pause)

TAKE ME HOME…PHILLYS!

DEV

(talking over song)

ONE MORE TIME!

GUY IN CROWD (off camera)

Someone take them home!

Jumpcut to Denise and Holly.

Denise is crawling along the ground and towards the stage. Suddenly, she spots the ring right next to Robert’s microphone.

DENISE

I see it! Holly, it’s right there!

HOLLY

Where?! On the STAGE?

Denise is creeping up towards the side of the stage. Robert sees her and turns to shoot airguns at her.

Denise climbs up onto the stage.

HOLLY

Wait until they’re done!

Just as Denise is inches away from grabbing the ring, the song finishes once again. Robert and Dev look down to see Denise in between the two of them, on her knees.

The music stops.

ROBERT

(to audience)

Woah, woah who cut the cord?

(looking down)

I knew this would bring me chicks.

DENISE

(grabbing the ring)

Ah, got it!

Denise suddenly notices how quiet the bar got, and that everyone is staring at her.

DENISE

(starts to sing acapella)

You’ll have to, excuse me, I’m not at my best. I’ve been gone for a month, I’ve been drunk since I left. These so called vacations, will soon be my death. I’m so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest…

There is a long pause in the audience.

Then, Robert and Dev join in on the next verse. Together, the three of them sing “Home For A Rest” for the third time. Holly takes a seat in the audience and shakes her head, laughing.

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